We Are Not Trash

Over and over and over again I see, I hear, the same story...


"Last night 'Johnny' called me a whore"
"'Johnny' keeps telling me that I'm lying but I'm not"
"I don't feel comfortable being honest with Johnny, but I love him"
"I never told you before because I didn't want you to hate him, but Johnny hit me"
"Johnny is really a nice guy, he just can't control his temper and it's my fault."
"Johnny is drinking again, but it's ok, he says he wont get too drunk this time"
"Johnny has some personal issues to work out, but I'll wait on him"
"My bestfriend said they saw Johnny with some girl. I don't believe that, I trust him."
"Johnny said that I am a fat, lazy, ungrateful "C-word".  I know he didn't mean it."


WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US WOMEN!?!?!  Since when did it become ok to hit, push, make fun of, talk down to, belittle or berate ANYONE, ESPECIALLY A WOMAN, and WHY THE HELL are we taking it, practially with a smile on our faces?!?  Far too many of my friends are faithfully standing by their man - a man that would NEVER faithfully stand by them, except to save face.  What?  Do we think we aren't worth being treated like platinum?  We don't deserve to be showered with adoration and love?  We don't deserve a 'good guy'?  Or is it that we feel like we are nurturing those sick bastards by standing by them and showing them what real love is?  That "he will change some day.  I know he loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it.  He just can't let go of his past.  But things will change, he told me they would get better, he just needs time.  I'm sure after this next talk we have, THIS TIME, everything will be different."  WHO THE HELL ARE YOU FOOLING?!?!  You really think after this NEXT talk, that things will finally click?!?  That after the last 20 talks, everything will make sense after talk #21?!?  Trust me sister, if things were going to change, they would have changed after talk #3.  3 strikes & you're OUT homeboy.  'Nuff said.  How much sense does the following model make?:

Realize the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Create a solution to the problem
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Create a solution to the problem
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
Address the problem.
...
...


Be honest with yourself.  It doesn't.   It makes no sense at all.  I realized this the hard way...  I was in a bad relationship too.  I stayed because I hoped things would change, that he would see how hard I worked to make him happy, to change myself to "help him love me".  I became someone I wasn't proud of, but was dying for a morsel of attention, affection, and love so much so that I was willing to do nearly anything for a compliment.  I stayed through the name calling, through the depression, through the degradation.  I stayed when my friends told me to leave..."One more shot," I would say, "I KNOW that this next time he'll know I'm serious, that I'm leaving if he won't love me the way I deserve."  And then I would stay and wait for the "change" that he would promise... that would never occur.  I was naive, full of hopes and dreams that the guy that I offered the chance to, the one that everyone said wasn't worth my time, would stand up with me to the world and prove them all wrong.  I wasn't about to be the one that was wrong - after defying my family, losing friends and alienating those that had stood by me my whole life, I COULDN'T be wrong....

But I was.


I allowed myself to go through Hell.  And I willingly chose to stay.  I knew I was better than the treatment I received.  I knew he treated me like shit.  His own FAMILY told me he treated me like shit, but I stayed, b/c I had faith in him, and I didn't want to be wrong.  I had the talks.  I made the threats.  I gave ultimatums.  And in the end, years later, while I watch my friends go through the same drama, giving me the same responses that I gave them, I wonder.... why did I stay?  Did I say those things?  Did I sound THAT desperate? B/c all of the answers that they're giving me, SUCK.  My friends know they suck, I know they suck, I TELL them that they suck, they agree that they suck.  BUT THEY STILL GIVE ME THE SAME ANSWERS.  (This is coming from multiple friends, btw.)

I did learn some very valuable life lessons though.

Life Lesson #1
The saying "No man is worth your tears and the one that is will never make you cry," is bullshit.  The man that is worth your tears will make you cry.  He will say/do things that will make you sad.  The difference between a man that is and isn't worth your tears is that the man that IS worth your tears will see you crying, wipe the tears away, and make it so you never have to cry about that problem again.

Life Lesson #2
If "The Talk" doesn't work after Talk #3 - it's not EVER going to work.  After that, it's nothing more than "nagging" - which men refuse to realize that if they would either a) just do what they promised (walk the dog, pick up some milk, pay the phone bill, etc)
b) do what they should do, regardless (put the toilet seat down, take dishes to the sink)
c) *something of the like
women wouldn't repeat themselves, and they would be "nag" free.

Life Lesson #3
Staying doesn't make you the better person, it only makes you look like a martyr.  And when you kill yourself day in and day out for someone that doesn't deserve it, it only makes you look like an idiot and a complete fool.  Don't degrade yourself to that level.  Show a little self respect and walk away when it is warrented.

Life Lesson #4
If you are beyond miserable, you need to remember - there IS a happiness out there, somewhere, and this ISN'T it.  But I will say one thing, you REALLY appreciate the little things in a relationship after going through hell and back.  B/c when it used to be that you were grateful for everyday that went by without being called a whore, without being degraded or talked down to, without being hit or making him angry - after you leave - its AMAZING how grateful you are for the little things.  I am grateful everytime my boyfriend opens my car door, everytime he pulls out my chair, and everytime he says "I Love You."  I'm grateful that he never yells, I'm grateful for EVERY SECOND that we cuddle together, when he is willing to buy my favorite wine & sip it & watch a movie with me, and when he compliments me.  I have never had more things to be grateful for in my life, because I have stared into hell, experienced it, and walked away.


Please, women of the 90's and the Millenium - STOP ALLOWING YOURSELVES TO BE WALKED ON.  LEARN FROM OTHERS MISTAKES, AND LEARN FROM YOUR OWN.  And NEVER say "It wont happen to me."  Because it can.  And if it is...

Swallow your pride and admit it: You were wrong.
Stop celebrating the baby steps that he makes to shut you up and later digresses.
Stand up for yourself once and for all and lay it all down on the table.
If you continue to be treated like shit, LEAVE.  YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Where Have All the Mothers Gone?

As I was clicking random things on Snopes.com I read something that made me think. It stated: "Maternal figures were typically absent from Walt Disney's films because he felt responsible for his own mothers death". It also stated that this "fact" is of "unclassifiable veracity" - meaning they have no idea whether it's true or false. But I started to think, next to NO ONE had a mother figure, and if they did it wasn't a positive one or was barely there....Belle, Jasmine, Snow White, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, Pochahontas, Peter Pan... huh. Ain't that somethin'?.... I wonder why that REALLY was? Maybe he felt that since he was dealing with princesses that there was only one strong female role needed?  Maybe he hated his mother?  I never realized that until I read it.  I mean, I always wondered things like "Where is Christopher Robbins mother at?" and "I wonder why Cinderellas step-mother is such a bitch?", or sometimes "What happened to Ariels mom?" - but I never put them all together that NONE OF THEM have mothers...  Was it insinuated that their mothers died of some disease?  What happened to Walt Disney's mother?

 

This is the story....

"After the success of their film Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Walt and Roy presented their parents with a new home in North Hollywood, near the Disney studios in Burbank, California. Less than a month after moving in, Flora complained to Walt and Roy of problems with the gas furnace in her new home. Studio repairmen were sent to the house, but the problem was not adequately fixed. Flora wrote a letter to her daughter Ruth describing the wonderful new home, but again complaining of the fumes from the furnace. A few days later, Flora died of asphyxiation caused by the fumes. She was 70 years of age."

 

 

Hm... I suppose I could understand why he would subtract mothers if he felt responsible for this, however there is no solid proof that this is the reason that there are no mothers present.  Just something that caught my eye :)

Fixing Friendships

Today, I realized how far away I've allowed myself to get, from my family and my friends and a lot of people that I have cared about in the past, even those that have made an large impact and continue to make an impact in my life, regardless of their active presence or not.  I have allowed friendships to die and people to fade out of my life that have genuinely shaped me into the person that I am, in good ways, and it makes me sad.  This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now, and since I've been home on vacation, I've pondered it quite a bit...  Why do we allow people to just disappear from our contact lists, our phone books, our "friends" list?  Are those people unimportant?  Do they have nothing to offer us anymore, nothing they can give to us that we can use to our advantage?  Can we no longer help them, aid them, listen to them?  Are we too busy, too caught up, too selfish?  Are we avoiding them, or avoiding being honest with ourselves?  Do we avoid them because we are ashamed of the answers that we have to give to their questions, or because we have no idea what we would say to them?  Or are we too lazy to take the time to write that letter, that email, or even a text message?  Do we care just enough to "Facebook Stalk" them, but not enough to tell we actually pay attention - and therefore are just nosey?  What would we say, how much time would this interaction take? How do we change so much, that we no longer feel that we need our friends?  We are not an island, each of us to ourselves, because regardless of what anyone says, we really are all connected.  Haven't you ever had one of those "It's a small world, huh?" situations?  We are punishing ourselves as a society by secluding ourselves and giving ourselves such a limited support system of 3 or 4 close friends, that we feel it has nearly become manditory to survive strictly on our own, with no help from others - so much so that we have begun to alienate not only our friends, but sometimes our own families and spouses!  Why?!?!  Is it THAT important to be seen as a self-propelled force in our world today?  The answer is yes, it is.  It's so important that people prove that they can make it on their own, that they can look out for Number #1, that they themselves make every effort to stick out as THE shining diamond in the rough, to take all the credit, or to beat their brains senseless - undertaking a 5-man project all on their own, just to prove their worth or possibly outshine other groups, or maybe, just because they want things done THEIR way and dont want to share the responsibilities. 

I have news for you... you can't do it alone.


Too many times, people try to go it alone.  Wrestling with their own problems, day in and day out, it's become even difficult for people to reach out for help from those people in a service position.  Therapists, doctors, friends... I've seen too many people recently that want to "do it on their own", to "fix themselves", to "change their lifestyle" without consulting additional facts and without asking for help. Or even worse, ignoring the issues all together, like they don't even exist. WHY!?!?  If there is an elephant in the room - you can't just stare right through it!  We were made as social beings - it's in our DNA, in the very essence of being human.  We aren't meant to do it alone, we aren't supposed to... so why try?  Why do we leave friends in the dust that have been good to us, loyal, honest and sincere - only to "keep up with them" on Facebook by doing nothing more than checking their status messages?  If that constitutes a friend in your book, I weep for you.  Have we really become that lazy and self absorbed that we can't take a little time to ask about friend of ours, be interested in their lives, or be there for them?

Today (and yesterday), as a continued effort to move forward with a quest I challenged myself to on January 1st - I reconnected with some people that I shouldn't have lost touch with, and it felt good.  They were friends from both High School and College, and even some family members.  I missed them.  I missed hearing their stories and it really hit me how much I had been absent for in their lives.  Wow.  And I know they aren't the only ones.  What kind of a friend can I call myself if I don't even know what's going on in the lives of others around me?  At times it was awkward, sometimes there were silences, sometimes I realized that I was talking too much about myself in an effort to catch up or reconnect.  But I decided, that's okay.  I felt a little sheepish, I felt exposed, and I felt a little antsy - but I expected that.  Besides, if I hadn't allowed such a canyon to form between us, such uncomfortablness wouldn't have existed anyway.  Some people would argue, "What?  So you have to make all the effort?  They haven't tried to contact you either!  Why are you taking it upon yourself to rebuild past/lost/stressed/forgotten/faded friendships?  It takes 2 to tango!  They didn't care about you either!"  And my response to that argument is simple - I am responsible for my own actions, and I can not force others to act.  I am taking the blame and responsibilty for my part in any friendship that has faded and I will happily step forward if it means regaining a good friend again.  I will lay down my pride and stop expecting others to come to me - if these people were once that important to me, I will stop playing the Blame Game and put the effort in to fix what needs fixed.  I can not hold others accountable for my actions in allowing my friendships to diminish, but I can hold MYSELF accountable, and so instead of passing blame (like so many people nowadays do), I will step forward and reclaim friendships that should have never been lost.

I don't have to talk to them once a day, or once a week, maybe not even once a month.  But I hope that from now on, I wont wait 3 or 4 years, and in some cases 7 years, before I contact these people again, and others.  I refuse to burn bridges, but that doesn't mean I can just leave them to digress into disrepair.  I will continue to repair what I have left in the shadows of my life, and I'm looking forward to rebuilding what I never expected to have deteriorated.






"Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver, and the other is gold."